Bringing love to the darkness

Spending time with my suffering to find the path toward healing

80 is not all about positivity, often a misunderstanding from my audience.

80 is.

I’ve been spending this past month dwelling deep in the darkness. Society has created a binary world, good/bad, light/dark, yin/yang.

I’m doing my best to not assign judgement on either. It just is.

Back to this past month. I’m sitting in the discomfort that is my darkness, my shadow, the space that’s been hidden, where my exiled self lives.

Life teaches us to have a thick skin, let it roll off your back, don’t be emotional, man up.

So when something becomes uncomfortable, we engage the shields and we bunker down.

I got you here, you need me

I’ve spent my entire life trying to bottle up the feels, created a skin, a mask, a persona to walk this earth.

It kept me safe.

It got me here.

But now I am safe. I am here. I am.

The journey toward healing is walking toward, not away, from this discomfort, coming ot a reckoning with it.

In my need to survive, I created a protector, an ego that walked the earth and assumed the strength, power, and destructiveness of the oppressors that oppressed me, and my ancestors.

He started out as a child, but grew and grew.

He was unstoppable.

He was rage, abstracted away from the original trauma.

When you read about the horrible stuff happening in the world, the -isms (racism, sexism, ablism, etc), he assumed all those sufferings.

The more I tried to exile him, the stronger he got.

We’re here, we made it

I am here.

I removed the layers of pain, only to uncover the deepest of suffering, the stuff that lies in the code itself, DNA.

It’s not a cut, or a broken bone, it lives deep in my body, in my soul.

As I spend time in this darkness, in this space, I find myself not lost, not scared, not afraid, but I bring the love that’s been missing.

In the Avengers series, the Hulk gets stronger as he gets more hurt, more angry. To get him to revert back to his human self, the Black Widow approaches him and says “hey, big guy. Sun’s gettin’ real low.”

I’m sitting here with my hulk.

I just send loving energy toward him.

I don’t question, I don’t just. I am just here.

He’s real angry, he’s full of rage.

And I am here.

We made it big guy.

We made it.

You can rest.

We can rest.

I don’t want to

The path has been presented, and I choose not to take it, not yet. It’s okay not to go right away. It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to catch your breath.

I know that deep inside the code, is generations of suffering held inside.

I have to find the container, the space to hold it all so that I can let it pass through.

I will.

Thank you for being here with me

Thank you for reading. Thank you for subscribing.

This is an ongoing story, from the perspective of becoming 80.

It’s hard, it’s dark, and it will get even darker before the light comes.

I love you.