Follow your bliss.
I had my star charts read, and it was not good.
I walked away.
I went into my cave, for the pain and the struggle has been real.
Life is hard. Circumstances have made what was a really awesome life situation become a complete pain, all the time.
Alas, life is life and here I am.
I saw an astrologer
I know nothing about astrology. I have some biases.
A good friend recently referred me to her astrologer. He’s magical she says.
I hop on the Zoom call, he shows me the chart, lots of scribbles, and symbols I don’t recognize.
He shows me the period of time when my planet aligned and the struggle the past couple years have been. When I think of it that way, yes, these past couple years have been the inflection point in my healing journey. It was painful, it was lonely, and it was hard.
But it ends.
And another transition happens.
He doesn’t know my life, he doesn’t know me.
So I keep a blank face.
He goes on.
Then he describes how I’m in a transformation phase.
That this tough time is creating the foundation of who I will be next.
Okay. Keep going.
The wounded healer.
He says I’m sorry, I’m sure you want something that your ego would love, like status, fame, fortune.
Let me think about it.
He ends the session and says we’ll continue this.
I don’t tell him but yes, all signs lead to the wounded healer.
Finding the source code
And in between my next session, a life event happens and it sends me into a spiral. I’ve been here before, many times. I know what will happen. And every time, it’s a train wreck I get to watch.
Instead, this time, I feel into it, I listen intently to what it’s trying to tell me.
I live with this duality.
My mother, while pregnant with me, fills me with infinite love at the moment of her potential demise. She’s on a boat, escaping her home, finding refuge away from the lands she grew up in.
And when she gives birth to me, she also abandons me. Not literally, but she knows now how to love for the baby she holds is also her, who was also abandoned as her own biological mother gives her up.
In this duality, I find my struggles with relationships.
I seek that affirmation, that love.
I seek to be held, to know that my life has worth.
And yet, when my partners turn, when they don’t give 100%, that tiny down turn takes me from the infinite love to the abandonment, cast away, left for dead.
This roller coaster has been my life, and continues to be my life.
The various personas and masks I put on, has been to keep me from knowing this for it is too painful to hold.
Instead, layers upon layers shielded me from this fact.
Each layer I peeled in therapy, was another layer saying you figured it out, now leave it alone and go live.
Then I cope.
Then I keep hearing that knock.
And each discovery, comes another step closer.
To this.
To my source abandonment.
To my wound.
Follow your bliss
I came back for round two of the chart reading. Just a day after this breakthrough realization.
He reads the part that we left unfinished.
That I go through this transformation phase.
And then begin another transition.
It’s my wounded healer path.
That it’s time for me to let go of what no longer serves me, and follow my bliss.
“Follow your bliss.
If you do follow your bliss,
you put yourself on a kind of track
that has been there all the while waiting for you,
and the life you ought to be living
is the one you are living.
When you can see that,
you begin to meet people
who are in the field of your bliss,
and they open the doors to you.
I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid,
and doors will open
where you didn't know they were going to be.
If you follow your bliss,
doors will open for you that wouldn't have opened for anyone else.”
― Joseph Campbell