I took the red pill, did I regret it?

It's been 3+ years, and I'm reflecting on my choice to take the red pill. Was it worth all the pain and effort.

“You take the blue pill... the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill... you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.”

This truly summarizes my 3+ year journey.

I’ve been journaling a lot lately, trying to organize my thoughts, make sense of the stops along the path I took.

I took the red pill.

In 2020, I committed to finding out how deep the rabbit hole went.

I told my then therapist that I’ve been on and off for the past decade, this time I am going to figure it out.

Send me back

There were many moments when all I wanted was to pack up the can of works, undo all the work I did, and forget that I discovered all these things. The Matrix was so much easier. I could just be oblivious to it all.

Life was easy.

The rules were easy for me.

It was a system, and systems could be manipulated.

Just go about my day, grind through it, buy random stuff, eat junk food, do drugs.

I’d always have a smile on.

I’m never sad.

Haha haha haha.

But the signs were always there

And also in hindsight, the signs were always there. It wasn’t a moment when it magically appeared, I just chose to ignore it.

Knock knock.

Rumble.

Clink clink.

It’s just sitting there, at the surface. On some days, it was easy to ignore. On other days, it took everything in me to keep it suppressed.

I told my therapist in my early years that it felt like my garbage can was overflowing. There’s no more room, and it’s spilling everywhere.

And it was.

I was expending excessive energy trying to keep it all contained, cleaning the spills, hiding all the signs of the cracks in myself.

A crack appears

Over time, the cracks widen.

Little by little, bits of the light and bits of the darkness spilled, oozed through these cracks.

For some us, we’ll spend the rest of our lives trying to patch up this mess, and put lipstick on it and call it a good life.

For others, we answer it early on.

I pushed hard, for nearly four decades I pushed.

Until I couldn’t.

And then I worked with someone to help me titrate the oozing goo that was coming out of me (figuratively of course).

Then I saw.

I saw the world as it was.

But that perspective evolved, shifted, and changed.

Is there really a truth?

Is there the one world?

Or is it all just a projection of our inner being?

I really don’t know.

I don’t think I’ll ever find out.

But all there is now, is to sit around, and live in this thing we call life.