My first breakthrough - a voice from the past

I'll never forget this moment, it triggered a series of events leading to where I am today

That was an oversized reaction.

That’s what my therapist told me when I shared with him my reaction to my oldest step-child pushing my youngest biological child. We were at our family beach home and the kids were playing in the inflatable pool. From the corner of my eye, I saw big kid push little kid.

I went on a rampage, stormed off, and found a spot down the road to sit by myself. I was shaking uncontrollably.

It was that day that started me down this journey if finding the bottom of whatever this was.

Some inspiration

I’m recommend this book to anyone that follows me. I’m inspired by Yung Pueblo. He’s a beautiful writer, a beautiful soul, and this book I re-read whenever I’m feeling down. It’s not about cheerleading positivity, but accepting that everything you need is within yourself.

I spent my entire life trying to fill this missing void. The whole time, it was always there, within me.

Let’s continue my first breakthrough in healing my own wounds…

How my step-child saved me

Within our family, we don’t make step distinctions. I’m only doing so here to note that there’s a special dynamic that can be trigging for me.

This one moment in time, triggered a series of actions that led me to where I am today.

My therapist told me that there’s something underlying my response. He suggested that I work with a trauma therapist and try EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).

WFT dude, I don’t have a trauma.

That was my ego speaking. He comes in to shut things down. I’m fine, I’m good. Go the fuck away.

After some time, I finally accepted the suggestion and setup a session.

This all seems like hocus pocus

I met up with my new therapist. I explained the situation, and I also started by saying I read about EMDR, and it’s just a finger going back and forth?

Again, ego pops in.

She does some exercises to relax me, I’m in an almost hypnotic state.

I told her I don’t have a specific trauma event to describe, but I have a sound in my head. It sounds like bombs going off in the distance, and some popping sounds.

We focus on that, and note how it feels in my body. I’m scared. I’m curling up into a ball.

We pause, then she waves her fingers back and forth in front of me, and I track the tip with my eyes.

Then we go back to the sounds. It’s louder now. They’re definitely bombs. It sounds muffled. The popping sound is gun fire.

We repeat this process, each time the sounds get louder, the feelings get stronger, and the world gets clearer.

I hear screaming voices. It’s a group of people. They’re scared, they’re screaming.

Finger waves.

I can make out a single voice. I know this voice. It’s muffled, but it’s a very familiar voice.

Finger waves.

I shift my attention back to that voice.

I’m crying uncontrollably. I can’t help myself. I can’t stop crying.

A voice from the past

I finally come back. She asks me, who’s that voice.

It’s my mom. With 100% certainty, that’s my mom’s voice.

She’s 22. She’s pregnant with me. She on this riverboat, out in the ocean. I could feel the immense fear in her body, the screaming of her voice.

But deep beneath all that horribleness, all that I’ve been shutting down my entire life, was this infinite love that she had for this being growing inside her.

She too was a child, just 22. She had barely had a childhood, and was instantly thrusted into war, into escape, into the darkness of the sea.

Yet in all of this violence, trauma, and desperation, I could feel her love for me. It was a special love that went beyond words. In that moment, I was literally connected to her. I was one with her.

I’m 39 at the time of this session. At 39, I heard a voice from the past. It was as clear as it could be. I heard it, and I felt it, deeper than any relationship I could ever have.

So this loud noise in my head, that would periodically turn up to volume 11, was suddenly turned down. The screams, the gunfire, the bombs, all sounded muted in the distance.

But I keep that love close to me.

The Story Continues…

If you’ve gone this far, thank you. This was a special moment for me. It was my first, of many breakthroughs.

Every time, I go into one of these sessions thinking it’s all BS, I come out a little bit softer, my guard a little bit loosened. It doesn’t get easier, this was just the beginning.

I’m 80, I’m doing the deep inner work on myself, so that I can be a presence for this world. I want you to come with me, on your own journey.

Together, we will heal the world.