My shopping addiction - thanks Amazon Prime Day

Shopping is my coping mechanism and after accumulating so much camera gear, I'm reflecting on how I got here and what I do it with it.

I’m at a client site today filming.

At the peak of my cope, I accumulated an obscene amount of camera gear. Just shortly after my divorce, I bought my first camera, a Fujifilm X-T2 and the kit lens.

It started as a I’m going to take on a new hobby to find myself.

But very quickly, I caught the GAS, Gear Acquisition Syndrome.

At first, I thought all camera people had this.

But eventually, I came to understand that buying gear was a way for me to cope with the pain.

If I got this lens, then I’ll feel better.

True, but only for a few moments.

Then I want the next piece of gear.

This whole adventure ended with me getting a cinema camera, a Z-Cam E2-S6 with a Vazen Anamorphic lens.

Let’s just say that you can buy a decent car with that camera rig.

Was it cope or was there a plan?

For sure, the constant buying of gear was coping with the pain. Eventually I understood that, but deep down inside, there was a bigger plan.

The accumulation of gear was one thing, but the learning of the trade, the craft of filmmaking and storytelling came from the heart.

I had a desire to tell my story.

Writing like here is one way, but filming it, recreating the emotions, the imagry was where I wanted to ultimately go.

While I’m sitting here waiting for my client to drop in more subjects to film, I’m looking at this gear and imagining my parents behind the camera.

I’m imagining myself behind the camera.

I’m imagining creating the imagry of the source trauma, the sounds, and the emotions that come with it.

But there’s also resistance with it.

I’d rather get more gear.

There’s always an excuse. I need this lens, I need this rig.

Truthfully, a phone camera will do the job.

I’m avoiding capturing the stories that lead to the pain.

And I’m also learning to be easy on myself.

We all get caught up in addictions.

We all cope in our own ways.

The insidious part of this is there’s valuation and judgment on different types of cope.

• The drug addict that’s on the streets

• The millionaire doped up in his mansion

• The hoarder of stuff

• The rich person with every toy

• The alcoholic that lives at the bar

• The sex addict that can’t stop

The list goes on, but they’re all the same.

Society puts a value on some, less so on others.

The privileged gets to cope in private.

The lesser is put on stage and shunned.

Yet we all are coping.

Four months?

I lost track of where I’m at but I think this is week 16 of weekly newsletter posts. I got a rhythm down and committed to pushing onwards.

The goal with these letters is to share my personal growth and develop the content for my book.

It’ll be penned under Chubbicorn 80, and recount the path I took and what I learned along the way.