My soul, my soul, I found you 🙏

In a dark moment, I sat. In this dark moment, I finally found my soul. Always here. Never left.

A couple of weeks ago, I hit a euphoric high of joy.

And today, I’ve crashed back down.

In that moment of the high, I embraced it.

I hugged it.

I loved it.

And I knew that it would pass.

That with all my power, with all the things I can do to control, there was nothing I could do to hold onto that moment, other than to be in that moment.

Last night was a bad experience.

Without going into the details, it set forth a trigger of events leading to this new low.

And for the first time in my life, I flooded myself with the feelings rather than try to run away from it. In this sadness, is a beauty I could not fathom.

It was only when I stayed in the moment,

bathed in it,

and let the darkness flow through me,

that I found myself.

My soul was always here,

not sent far away.

It was waiting for me.

It always has been here.

I imagined sending away the innocent child, but what happened was I walked away thinking it was weak. But I now know that I was weak back then back there.

I spent my years armoring up for battle, to hide my fear, to hide my weakness, to appear strong in this world. As the scars racked up, I only bulked up more, walking further away.

Today, I found my soul.

Unearthed in the mountain of pain, suffering, and sadness.

But it’s not bad.

The wave of highs is followed by waves of lows.

The euphoric joy is followed by mellowing sadness.

And both are equally beautiful.

All I am is an infinite being,

washed by waves.

I have no control over it.

I’m just floating in the sea.

Surrounded by the cosmic flow of the ocean.

Basked in the light,

surrounded by darkness.

My soul is me,

and I am my soul.

This body is a vessel,

adrift in the sea.

Floating.

Rising with the wave,

and crashing.

I now accept that I have no control over this world. That I am just here, in a world in complete chaos, which only mirrors my inner world.

And when I let go of my armor,

I am infinite,

one again with all,

connected,

loved,

I am 80.