Our partners in healing

Our partners in life, may not always be the best partners in healing, and it's not always fair to expect them to be so.

I’m on my second marriage.

The first arc was a college sweetheart who shared similar traits to me, and we were textbook perfect.

The second arc was a mid-life start over—new love found, an opportunity to make a leap from the first.

We’re coming up on seven years together.

As much deep work as I have put into myself, the wounds remain. I project myself onto her, wanting to change her to be what I need.

And each time I get there, I come to awareness, tap into the tools I’ve collected, and try to push myself just a bit further this time, beyond my programming.

Yet, there’s a strong part of me, that wants to be seen by my partner, fully.

We project onto our partners what we think they want to see us as.

Some of that is rooted in our childhood.

Some of that is rooted in societal demands.

Some of that is rooted in false beliefs.

Yet, revealing ourselves to our partners can be a relationship-ending move. It requires that our partner be at a phase of their life where they have the nervous system to contain the person that we are. It demands that our partner aren’t triggered themselves, and thus spirling us out of control from our own wounds.

Why can’t you see me?

What is it about our partners that we want deep intimacy?

Perhaps it’s the storybook tales.

Maybe because they’re the ones that are supposed to love us fully.

Surely if there’s one person in the world that can hold us, it would be our partners.

At this point in my own healing journey, I’ve accepted that my partner cannot be all to me. I can’t expect her to embrace me fully, because my parts trigger her wounds.

In my fantasy world, we are at the same path on our healing journey, and that we have the capability to hold one another fully.

But that’s no how it works.

For brief moments perhaps, we come into alignment.

And for the moments when we resonate differently, we clash.

Why is it I can connect with others better than you?

This one always stabs me in the heart.

I expect that my partner will always be #1, the person I share all my deepest darkest secrets.

And along the way in life, we meet others, that magically align with us, for a brief moment.

And therein lies the illusion.

That the grass is greener on the other side.

That there are better people for us.

It may be true, or it may be that we temporarily come into resonance with another person.

It triggers magical feelings.

That this other person sees parts of us that we hid from our partners.

In this brief moment, another person can do what our partners can’t, and we’re blinded by the magicalness of it.

Find a Surrogate

I’ve become a proponent of surrogate connections.

When the intentions are pure, a surrogate can be someone who can hold space for what you need.

They don’t have the baggage of your relationship.

And when there’s an exchange of money, it becomes a transactional moment.

You become open to fully receiving (because I paid for it!). Side note is that giving and receiving is such a powerful skill to bring into a relationship.

A goal of mine is to build my village of surrogates, people that can hold space for me, who have healthy nervous systems to hold my parts, for a moment.

And vice versa, that I can create space within myself, to hold space for others.

On Becoming 80

Thank you for being here. These letters are mostly for myself to get my memories written down. They are real time life experiments, pushing the boundaries in my mental health and spirtual journey.

Over the last three years, I’ve spent a rediculous amount of money and time toward healing including 1:1 therapy, group therapy, plant medicine, and biofeedback. Each of these experiments were ingredients in my healing.

There were ups, there were downs, and the acceptance that it is all just a journey, with no end goal in mind.

But if there were a goal, it would be to break the cycle of trauma from the family tree, and connect deeper into the collective consciousness of society, and do my part in bringing peace to the chaos.

You being here means a lot to me, and I thank you for reading.

As always, DMs open, reply, comment, send smoke signals. I see you.

You are 80.