Was all this worth it? Would I do it again?

I keep asking myself if all this effort toward working on myself was worth it. Is my life for the better, or have I wasted my time?

How do you know doing this work is worth it?

The other day, my wife said she’d rather stay in the matrix. Life is better that way. I don’t want to know.

I’m a solid three years into this journey, hit rock bottom, touched the universe, and found the emptiness of my soul.

Sometimes I feel alone, that the people who once were part of my life are on a different path. I enjoy the new people that have filled that void, and I am seeking more to form the new structure that’s coming together.

What does the data say?

My scientific mind wants to know the logic and data. Let’s for a moment entertain that question.

I wear an Oura Ring that tracks a number of biometrics, one of which is my Heart Rate Variability. For simplicity purposes, HRV is a measure of stress.

Here’s my chart for the last several months.

In October, we sold and bought our dream home. I had just gotten to the point where I was at peace with where I was at. The my wife said I’m ready to move.

If you draw a trend line from the peak in November to April, you’ll see that on average, I’m trending downwards.

I’m tired and exhausted.

We’re doing too much.

I need to rest.

I kept telling my wife these things, yet we kept piling on more things.

Therapy and doing this work have given me awareness and coping mechanisms to work on it.

This past month, I hit rock bottom. I called out 911 to my wife. I am not okay, that if we didn’t do something, there wouldn’t be something left to work on.

Well, this past month showed a dramatic increase in my HRV (that’s a good thing).

Doing the shadow work

I’m giving attention to my shadows, the parts of me that I exiled away to be who I am today.

The more I acknowledge their existence, the quieter the knocks on the door become.

It’s given me the space to slow down, the permission that it’ll be okay if I don’t run all the time.

I have time to look in the mirror. I have time to see what’s lurking in the shadows. I have time to be in relationship with myself.

Ready for the juicy details?

Thank you for following alone. I appreciate everyone that’s opening this up, and anyone that reads it.

These letters are going to open up to taboo and hush hush topics. That’s the point of 80. We’re going to lift up every stone and see what’s underneath. We’re going to poke our heads into the dark unlit room and see what’s been lurking.

Know anyone that would benefit from being here with me? Mind forwarding it on?